Today, I woke up at 8.30 and went for a run. It was long and I got tired. When I got home, I stripped off to my shorts and lay in an empty bath for ten minutes. This is because the bath was cool and because I didn't want to get sweat anywhere else. There was a lot of it. When I climbed out, I decided to go to the gym. I go here a lot but have yet to lift a single weight. Instead, I use the sauna, steam room, jacuzzi and sometimes the swimming pool.
This gym is good because it is small and quiet. I used to go to a virgin gym and all the muscle boys looked at me funny when I strolled around like I was Corey Feldman. My big shorts and inappropriate t shirts gave away the fact I'm not really into shouting at people in a manly fashion whilst I try and lift physically impossible things. If you time it right at this place, you can normally have it to yourself. Unfortunately, I didn't realise today was Dawn of the Dead.
I walked into the pool room to be confronted by an old woman's swimcercise class. They all looked pathetic and stupid and made me angry just for being there. I stopped in my tracks as they all turned round and stared at me with a look that fell somewhere between suspicion and what looked like actual hatred. I shrugged at them (not sure why) and went to the steam room instead.
After my run, I wanted nothing more than to lie down across the seats and relax. I realised that the bench would be covered in other people's sweat, but I am only hygienic to a point so I decided to go for it. Five minute later, when I sat up, I saw a big black pube on my arm and regretted my decision. Sickened, I moved on to the sauna.
Upon entering, an explanation was sat in front of me: Pube Man. This blog is family orientated so I will not go into why he is called this, though I'm sure you could have a reasonable guess. He left instantly, maybe in a state of embarrassment. He probably sensed exactly what had happened - I'm sure everyone that attends that gym has had one of his pubes on them at some point. I watched him move to the jacuzzi and made a mental note not to go in there. The image of the cocktail that would be bubbling around in it the minute he stepped in made me shudder violently. This did mean I had the room to myself though. Sharing a sauna with someone is like going in a lift with them and I don't like it. I have also had bad experiences. Here is one example...
A few years ago, I was slumped in a sauna, resting my chin on my chest and picking my belly button with my locker key. A man entered in a flamboyant fashion (ie a mince), looked at me and said "ooooh, do you need a hand with that!". I think it's safe to assume he was gay - when I picture the scene he walked in on, it can't have been alluring enough to give a straight man a curious moment. In actual fact, it must have been a bit repulsive. I declined his offer, but didnt want to leave immediately, despite that being my first instinct. I didn't know whether that would be seen as an act of rudeness or homophobia. Even though there was lots of room, he came and sat right next to me. The next minute was one of the most uncomfortable of my life as I turned my head away from him (incase he was staring or winking at me) and concentrated hard on not doing anything that might inititate a conversation. In the end, I ran away. This was at the YMCA gym and was not the first such instance.
Just then, back in the present day, I noticed the old women were finishing in the pool and dragging themselves out. I did not want any of them joining me, so thought quickly. When it is really warm outside, I often see old people blowing on themselves or waving their hands in front of their face. They obviously don't like to be uncomfortably hot so I threw as much water on the heater as possible in order to warn them off. They wandered around the edge of the pool in a directionless manner, bumping into one another. Someone did approach the sauna and swiped at the door handle haphazardly. They missed and their hand squelched on the glass and slid down, leaving a watery stain. Deterred, the lady shambled off. After a couple of minutes, the frenzy died down and everyone slowly dissipated. By this point, the sauna was far too hot, so I left.
In the changing room, Pube Man was in the shower. I stared intently at the ceiling and went straight to my locker, banging into the wall more than once.
After this, I went to the library to print some stuff off. On the way I saw a proper hunchback.
The library used to be an exciting multicultural hub - like mos eisley in star wars. Things have changed recently though and now everyone there is Polish. I am allowed to be racist toward Poles because I am part polish; this is one better than having a Polish friend. I was annoyed because they were all in front of me in the help desk queue asking stupid questions that could not be understood and if they could, were no doubt so straightforward that anybody who had ever been out their house before should not actually need help with. This made them take ages. I had to sign up, get a new library card and book a computer, which I eventually did. However, when I sat down at the computer my password didn't work, so i went straight back to the help desk to queue up behind a fresh line of Polish people. There was an English woman behind me, muttering to nobody about how slow the queue was and chanting "come on, come on hurry up." I instantly hated her with a passion.
She walked off in a huff and I saw her sit at my computer. It was booked under my obviously Polish name and the screen said so. I saw her fling her head back before stomping over to the queue again. Rather than waiting, she stopped a passing employee and said "Excuse me! I'm trying to use that computer over there but some Pole has wandered off and left it, so I can't". I turned round and said, in my poshest english accent, "why, I believe that's mine and I've only left it because I have a problem with my password. That is why I am currently queueing up." She shook her fat face, made a sound like a horse and then stormed off. I was glad I made my point because what I really wanted to say was "that's mine you fucking whale, get in the queue like everyone else and book one for yourself". I sorted my stuff out and then went back home. No hunchbacks.