Today, I woke up at two different times because I am in France. One time was english and this was 9.30 am. The other was French: 10.30 am. I have been here about 5 days and I am still unsure about which time to go by. I tend to flicker between the two as and when it suits me.
I cleaned my teeth and wandered downstairs. Despite the fact this was a sleep in for me (no matter which time zone i go by) I was still tired. There is one reason for this - loir loirs. They are French rodents that live in trees by day and roofs by night. They make the transition by jumping from one to the other whilst I'm trying to sleep. This makes a loud noise. Then they squeak and race each other round the loft. According to someone who stopped by the house today, their eyes are so attuned to the dark that if you turn any lights on while theyre around, they freeze and their pupils widen over the whole of their eyeballs. This has made me think of two plans:
1) Find out where they live and wake them up in broad daylight. Then run in circles around them so they can't sleep.
2) Go into the attic with a torch. When they invade, shine it on them, then kick them in the face one by one.
In all likelihood, Ill do neither and just get woken up again tonight. A bit because I can't be bothered and a bit because I haven't entirely ruled out the chance it cold be the Blair Witch.
I went downstairs and sat at the table, doing some work. I then got emailed a news story about a space bear who, in a fit of greed, ate a whole jar of sweets. Only the jar got stuck on his head so the police shot him, thinking he was from outer space. I have a habit of changing stories in my mind to make them better and i think this is one of those times. It might have been a tub of popcorn. Either way, I spent the following ten minutes drawing a picture of this before giving up and eating a ham sandwich. This was because it was lunch in France time. An hour later, I had another one.
I sat outside in the sun for a bit watching lizards zipping around the walls. Unlike other French animals, they run pretty silently so it's a pity I wasn't trying to sleep. Mum and Dad's friend came round and told us about a local who got a "tick on his todger". He died. His obituary must have been funny, not that I'd have understood it. I know how to order a croque monsiuer and a return ticket to Paris in French, but I don't know the French for tick or todger.
I have never bought a croque monsiuer or a return ticket to Paris.
In the evening, I went for a run. Round here, there's nothing but woods and hills. It was also nearly 30 degrees so if I felt unfit in England, I felt doubly so here. I ran for just over 3 miles before stopping to walk after I'd gone up a huge steep hill. I felt dizzy and thirsty as I zig zagged past a French family having a barbecue in their front garden, or jardin. They shouted something at me but I just became anxious and confused. They didn't want a croque monsiuer or a return ticket to Paris and I'm sure "run Forest, run!" is the same in any language, so I had no idea what they were banging on about. Crucially, I also didn't know how to respond except to turn up my headphones and run away. As it happens, that's exactly what I did.
Eventually, after almost 5 miles, Mum and Dad came past and picked me up. We drove to a lake where I went for a swim around an island there. This took about 15 minutes and was very refreshing. Between the car and the water (and back again), I was careful to avoid todger high grass. I think this will probably be a life rule from now on.
When we got home, we ate dinner and got attacked by probably the biggest moth I've ever seen. I'm not usually scared by these, but this one was about the size of my hand. Mum ran off screaming. I tried to remain calm, but it swooped and attacked me. It actually punched me in the face and I shrieked like a small girl before scrambling upstairs on all fours. I composed myself and went back downstairs to get rid of it. It was nowhere to be seen, so i crept very carefully. Mum yelled and I ran again. Apparently, it ambushed me and punched me in the back of the head, though fortunately I didn't feel it.
I picked up a huge pair of gardening shears and as it charged me from across the kitchen I started snapping at it. We actually circled each other, but it had the advantage being able to move across three dimensions. Although I came close with the shears, I realised that this was going to take time I didn't have, giving him the advantage. Whilst Mothra and I were locked in our tango of death, Mum was still cowering behind the stair railing, squealing during tense parts of the battle
Then Dad told me to turn all the lights off except for the outside one, so I did and it left. And that's all that has happened today so far.