I haven't done this page for ages because of the Germans invading with their microwaves. All their sausage making and wooden frogs have cut oof our internet connection so I can only go online from other people's houses. Now I am at Rowans in what may be an Arctic Supreme.
However, yesterday I woke up at 7.05, even though it was a school day. Regular viewers of this site may realise that this is late - it's because it is the last day of term before Christmas Holidays and I couldn't care less. I didnt arrive at school til twenty past 8!!!
Today, I tasted victory. It was the christmas term awards ceremony and we won. Some people may recall my crushing defeat at last years one and my vows for revenge. This year, we crushed everyone and now the other tutors are seriously bitter. We celebrated like a horde of savages, unlike last years form, and I punched the air and winked at my closest rival. Now people are out to get us.
One tutor was walking around muttering about how its only because she didnt give any reward points to her group in the morning for diary checks etc (I give mine 3 each without fail, one more than last year) and another began whinging about how its only because she couldnt get totals off her best pupils in time (I invented mine up for any absentees and made sure they were high). I also waited til the evening before the assembly to submit my results and sent the class out on that day with one final mission of begging teachers for them. The deadline was supposedly a week earlier.
I have had threats and people have tried snitching on me to the head of year. To be honest, all this childish bickering makes things taste even sweeter and I will just cheat harder next time. Now I know how hate fuels Fred Durst in such a focused way.
But best of all was still to come. Students get green slips for doing something particularly good. All the green slips for all the students are kept and five are picked at random for a prize draw of a ten pound amazon voucher. Four were drawn (none from my group) and there were no surprises or complaints about who won. Then the last one was read out to stunned silence. After a couple of seconds, our section of the room started cheering, closely followed by everyone else.
I have the naughtiest child in the school, but I think he is ace. His slips about bad behaviour are always comedy gold. Here are a couple:
1) After school detention for cracking open a raw egg in class, adding flour, sugar and salt and drinking it, despite warnings not to. When I asked why, he said "because someone said it was good for me"
2) After school detention for removing the contents of someones pencil case when they were out at the toilet and glueing it all to the wall. Then glueing their work to the table
3) Isolation for going on a french field trip and going up to a vending machine mechanic and saying "je deteste le french"
Anyway, he had one green slip in there, a pity one from me and out of the hundreds available it was picked out. When his name was called he woke up without a clue what was going on. We pushed him up to the front to receive his prize from his arch nemeis ("he's a gay boy, I 'ate 'im"). The rest of the assembly was filled with laughter as he slouched at the front with the parade of good kids looking more out of place than anything i'd seen before. He was puzzled and uncomfortable. At the end, he returned to me and said "What's going on?". I told him to go on to his first lesson and go back to sleep.
The day passed in a blur of doing nothing constructive. After a year long bet, I was given a make over by one of my year 8 classes. I looked like a cheap whore and couldnt remove the mascara and glitter.
At lunch time i was invited to the library party to eat party food. We started packing it away just as my year 11s turned up. They were hungry and wanted some. I told them no and taunted them with a half eaten chocolcate cornflake cake. Someone crept up behind me, stole it and then ran off cackling. When I caught up with her, I challenged her to actually eat it, bearing in mind it may have my spit on it. After a short deliberation, she did. I laughed at her, told her I had herpes and walked off looking like a backwards slut.
I dont have herpes.
School finished and I was happy. But the evening was to get bad - a less severe sequel to the worst day in recent memory that happened last week (i may do a retrospective blog one day, it was a good one). Both involved my grandad and the van.
First thing, we went round to my polish grandads to wish him a merry chistmas. His wife and my gran died about a year ago. The night was getting depressing from the start when he began talking about how great marriage is. Then he got out old photos. Kate commented on how happy everyone looked at my Dziadek's wedding and that set him off crying. But he would not rest until he'd wound himself up into a blubbering wreck and took us on a tour of the darkest edgar allen poe tribute ever to be told in bad broken enlgish.
"I hear her walking at night, I hear her voice and sometimes call back, whe's with me all the time but I know I will never hold her hand again! I pray to her, and hope she can hear, I can't stay away from her grave though don't know what good it does... I try to be strong though I'll never be happy again!"
We kept trying to change the subject but this was a slippery task, literally everything could be linked to marriage or death or grandma. The safest option is usually pointing out the hideous picture of me as a baby that greets you when you walk in the front room. But that was grandmas favourite picture. She put it there, like all the others, so he can't move it and dusts it frequently. Then rowan played a dancing reindeer. Grandma bought that and used to love such toys. Rowan did a dance to lighten the mood. Dziadek used to love dancing with Grandma and met her in such a way. I asked him what his plans were for Christmas Day. His deadly serious response was "Sitting here crying". It was horrible and uncomfortable and significantly worse than Grandmas funeral.
We eventually left but knew he was just going back in to look at his wedding photos and we all felt depressed. We didnt fancy leaving him like that, but knew there was nothing we could do. The best thing about all this, is that Grandma and Dziadek genuinely seemed to hate each other.
In such situations, theres only one solution - We went to McDonalds. I was convinced the cashier was flirting with me until Kate pointed out she was just laughing at my make up. Then, driving away, the van broke down. We sat in the car freezing for fifty minutes, waiting for the AA. Not even the mcDonald's tea or the rave could warm us up. When the AA man turned up, we thought he was a twat, so wrote "cock end" backwards in the rear window for when he was towing us. it turned out he'd be towing us from the other end and was actually quite nice.
We got back to Rowans at about 11 and were all cold. I decided to stay here rather than brave the walk home. I am now on the settee in an Arctic Supreme sleeping bag, contemplating whether to take Dziadek up on his offer of dinner today.