SUTLS

Today I woke up at 9.30 for what would turn out to be an infuriating and exhausting day. Rowan had sent me a message telling me to be at the Warsaw Diner for 11 as it was his girlfriend Kate's birthday celebration. Immediately, I left the flat to go to the sweet shop to buy her a present. I did this for two reasons. The first one is that Kate likes sweets. The second one is that, apart from my dead grandmother, the girl who works at the sweet shop is the only person in history that I am capable of charming. Because of this, I walked out with a can of Mountain Dew, a strawberry push pop and a big bag of sweets for a discounted price. I was served by somebody else, but they knocked money off on account of their friend informing them that I was a nice guy when I walked in the shop. All the while, the skullcrushers called to me with their creamy white seductive voices, but I knew their game and left them where they were.

Annoyingly, the bag of sweets was sealed so I couldn't pick at them before giving them to Kate.

As usual, the Warsaw Diner was very nice. I had the bad ass breakfast with beans instead of egg and tea instead of coffee. I hadn't been in there for a few months, but they know my order and as a result, I didn't even need to say anything to make it. I had always wanted to have a usual somewhere and there's something fitting about having one at the greasiest restaurant I know of.

I have put on a bit of weight recently so felt guilty about eating all that fat. Everybody else was going to the park to sit in the sun, so I agreed to meet them there after running down. This way, I could get a lift back. The meeting spot was originally supposed to be "by a tree". This did not help me much - Wollaton Park has somewhere in the region of thousands. Then I was told "near by where you started your 10k race". With this in mind, I started what was to be a really difficult run. It was far too hot and I'd only just eaten and I really struggled to finish the 4 miles.

Because of the heat, I spent half of my two pound emergency fund buying a bottle of water from a surly ice cream man when I got there. It was worth it. For a man that trades in excitement and happiness, the ice cream man did not seem to have much. I then wandered around the area where we started the 10k race for over an hour, firstly inspecting any group of people by a tree, secondly inspecting any group of people and thirdly inspecting every car in the car park to see if they were actually there. Conclusion: they weren't. I had a pound left and the bus home was £1.40, which ruled that out. So then I went to find a phone box. The only one in the park was out of order.

I thought about the situation for a bit. I could beg a mobile phone off a stranger or I could go to the nearest phone box, at some unknown destination far outside the boundaries of the park. Not being a communist and being knackered from the run and the heat, neither was an appealing option. So I went to the little museum and cafe in the park grounds.

I stood at the counter and waited for the receptionist. Whilst I did this, I looked down the employee's signing in ledger for funny names. There was a smurthwaite. Then, nearer the bottom, I noticed another, more familiar name - the name of a girl I teach in year 9. In other words, somebody I actually knew who probably had a mobile phone. I weighed up the situation: according to the book, she worked in the cafe. Could I go in there all sweaty and rank and beg her phone off her because I was too fat and unfit to make my own way back? I decided I'd rather walk home. Just then, the receptionist returned. With my remaining pound, I persuaded him to let me use the reception phone to ring Mum (the only phone number I ever rememeber) who gave me Joe's number so I could contact him. Turns out they were at the opposite side of the park. They were however, still next to a tree. This was more because it's impossible not to be than any attempt to make it easy for me. Importantly, the attendent let me keep my pound.

Joe drove me back to Lloyds which is only a half mile run to mine. Upon returning, I realised I'd picked up the house keys that don't work and was locked out. I slumped my forhead against the door and stayed there for several minutes before composing myself. There are lots of phone boxes right outside my flat, which made the next step slightly easier. Thinking carefully, I couldn't waste my pound on one phone call, so I asked for change at the ice cream van. The conversation I had with this ice cream man was as follows:

"Hello, could I change this pound coin for something smaller please?"
"WHAT'S THE MAGIC WORD?"
"Please?"

In true comedy fashion, I had sweated Joe's number off from my arm and he was the most likely candidate to have a key. So I rang my parents again. This time my Dad picked up. The call lasted 10 seconds and I now had only 60p remaining. Luckily, my dad rang the phone box back. I had my Dad ring everyone that I might have given a key to the flat to, then get back in contact with my command centre. Lloyd and Rowan didn't have keys, Mum did, but lived in the Isle of Man and Joe might have an old one somewhere. I decided that was my only option and ran up to Joes which was about a mile and a half away.

On the way up, a tramp stopped me and asked for some loose change. I had enough to make one phone call and was not about to give it up. I said no, but he was persistant. My gut reaction was to roundhouse kick him into the bus lane to get run over, but despite the fact I was exhausted and sunburnt, I could almost see the funny side. On top of this, I was too tired to do a round house kick and was never able to do one in the first place.

Joe recently moved out of my flat into another really posh one. However it's in the red light district of the city. When I got there, the building where his flat is was only accessible by a magnetic entry gate which you had to contact him to open via an intercomm. Neither of these things worked. So I eyed the situation up. Then a voice leapt from the street corner to give me advice.

"Just jump over the wall mate, it's not that high"
A prostitute was giving me tips on how to break into my brothers flat. We had a brief conversation about the best way of getting away from her and into Joe's before deciding she was right. I looked up at the wall. She offered to give me a foot up. My running trainers are brand new and cost £80 and I didn't want them getting an STD. On top of this, I also didn't know if she'd expect payment for such a service. I thanked her then scrambed over the wall all by myself.

When inside the first wall, I realised there was no way up to Joe's from there. I was about to run back and formulate a strategy with my new sidekick when Joe saw me soliciting around from his window and came down to let me in.

Joe had a key which he said might work, though it was unmarked so he couldn't be sure. He also has Space Fridge. It used to belong to NASA and be in space ships. It gives you two different kinds of ice on demand and would protect you in the event of the sun exploding on the world. I had lots of ice whilst I was there. Joe spared me wandering round the city in my sweaty running clothes any more by giving me a lift halfway into town. The key ended up working too so I got into my flat about 4 hours late.

I had a cold bath then watched American Gothic on dvd whilst twitching slightly from over exposure to the sun. I then went to bed thinking of space fridge and all the ice it can make. I also sat in the dark chanting "Someone's at the door" in my head to try and scare myself. It worked a bit.