SUTLS

I have about an hour to go until I bid for an eighties arcade machine with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on ebay so I will fill the time by writing about what I did yesterday.

Yesterday, I woke up at the giddy time of nine o'clock. I am on my easter holidays and I keep having to remind myself that I don't have to go to work for two weeks. Everytime I do I get really excited. Recently, after months of trying, I finally sorted out my grievances with Gordon Brown. I have been working in my current job for over a year and a half and have been charged emergency tax all this time. As a result, I should be getting a big lump sum of cash in my next pay packet so I have decided to spend some money I don't have yet.

So I headed straight out to the opticians to complete a plan I had been formulating for a while now. I have decided that I need a new pair of glasses, but fancied a bit of a change. Thusly, I have ordered a pair of thick rectangular (perhaps womens' or gays') glasses. The left lens will be red and the right lens will be blue.

Firstly I had to ask whether they could actually do this. They said they supposed so, but needed to know why. The optician wandered whether I had a medical condition that had not been mentioned in their training. Not unless being awesome is a mecial condition, except I didn't say that. I told them it was to use as a kind of stage prop. My instincts told me not to go with fashion as an answer. I had to speak to several different members of staff during the ordering and fitting process and they all wanted to know why I wanted them, but every single one of them had respect in their smirks and frowns.

The woman at the final counter recognised my surname. It is the same one my brothers have and she knew this. My three younger brothers have all bought glasses from there in the past month. Joe went first and his were huge and stupid, like an old man with not much money might wear. Then Rowan went and his were even bigger and more circular and he perhaps looked even more of a twat than Joe. Lloyd went last. His glasses were bigger than his face. She knew my game and told me she looked forward to seeing what came next from us.

I also got a pair of sunglasses in the buy one get one free offer and used this to justify my 3D glasses. In a week, I will never have to look at 2D objects again. I paid £130 for these two sets.

I then wandered around town buying CDs. I returned home, burnt them all onto my Ipod, then went back out and just walked for a while. After my ankle injury a few weeks back, I have not been able to run at all to train for the Tough Guy race I am doing in July. The weather was really nice so I just enjoyed the sun and listened to music whilst fusing my ligaments.

I got back and played Mario Golf for a while with Joe and then generally killed time until the highlight of the week: Prison Break. This is probably even better than 24. Not many programmes are capable of turning a murderous peadophile into my hero, but this one does. After another hour of tension, I went to bed.

Which brings me to now. I have just got a message from my Dad telling me the hilarious tale of my Grandad going 10 pen bowling. My Grandad is Polish and doesn't get many things. He is a bit like Mr Bean. Once upon a time, he was hammering fence posts in and couldn't find a mallet. He hammered them into the ground with his bare hands, broke a few fingers and gave himself an abcess. His hands and fingers are now three times the size of a regular human's and it looks like he has a set of bent and enlarged sausages attached to a stump. Apparently, he could not fit his fingers in the bowling ball and the whole affair was typically hilarious. He also moves very stiffly, despite his general fitness so resorted to robotically chucking the ball down the lane

My Grandad does many, many stupid things and we are generally desensitised to them. I'm not sure, but I wander if many of them are calculated for his audiences delight. Obviously shattering your hands because you can't be bothered to go inside and fetch the correct tool isn't the best example to demonstrate his comedy streak. However, I don't care what people tell me, speaking to a guide at legoland and asking him for directions only to find he is yellow and made out of lego shrieks of genius to me.

I did wander if I am maybe going through some kind of mid life crisis, but I'm far too young for that. In which case, I look forward to seeing what kind of amazing things I'll buy in 20-30 years time. I am currently trying to work out whether I can get prescription x-ray specs. Princess Anne is outside my front window looking lost and boring everybody so I'm going to put on some loud music

As an added bonus feature to this entry, I have included a conversation I had online with my mum...

rowan is my favourite son says:
why?
Edward Fingerhands says:
think about what theyll look like and what ill look like wearing them, then think whether you need to ask that question
rowan is my favourite son says:
Er - 27 this year?
rowan is my favourite son says:
Anyway, have they any benefits to your vision.
Edward Fingerhands says:
i will be able to see in 3d
rowan is my favourite son says:
You will fall over all the time.
Edward Fingerhands says:
im more worried about headaches
rowan is my favourite son says:
silly bugger.