SUTLS

Yesterday, there had been talk of an all night blizzard. We were expecting seven inches of snow. Today, I woke up at three am to check for snow. Then again at about half four to check for snow. Then again at about half five. I stayed up this time to check for snow. It didn't snow at any point so there was to be no escape from school today. All the things I was going to do on my day off were going to have to wait. For this I was angry - these things never go to plan. However, as a further kick in the face, our flat was freezing. I had woken up before the heating and had to run around getting ready in an effort to stay warm. Even when the heating did come on, it made little difference. I washed, cleaned my teeth, dressed then left the house. I was wearing mittens and my big wooly hat. I found this hat on the floor at the Reading Festival last year. I kept it because it has a badge of Flat Eric on it. I liked Flat Eric in an ironic way, before forgetting this and just liking him for being sick. Everything I like started in this way and as a result, I now listen to too much Limp Bizkit and use the phrase 'sick' too much.

As i walked to the bus stop, I squinted at the glow of the streetlights and noted three snowflakes blowing around pathetically. It was a depressing sight. By the time I reached school, it was snowing fairly hard, but it was too late: I was at work for the day now and it was going to be hell. One by one, other teachers turned up moaning about the lack of overnight snow. One even came in and returned my hello by shouting "fucking snow" at me and kicking his bag. In order to cheer the mood, I had a bet with one or two others about who could rack up the most detentions today for snow related bad behaviour.

Before lessons started, I had to walk to the other building on our school site to attend a pointless briefing. Stupidly, I went late without a pack of teachers to defend myself in. I had to cross the playground by myself and I could see them all out there with snowballs. I hurried through the kids looking at everyone suspiciously before entering the Year 11 sector. I have never taught any year 11s but recognised the lurking few as trouble makers. I am only 5 foot 4, I wear big glasses and I don't look old enough to be a teacher. I manage to win over the kids I teach with my lovable personality, rapier like wit and youthful enthusiasm for terminal moraine and oxbow lakes. However, as an unknown quantity I am Harry Potter and need taking down a peg for daring to be in a position of authority.

As soon as my back was turned, the snowballs came. I span round and walked straight into the gang of thugs. I knew I would get no names, but fortunately I recognised one from a previous run in. In front of his friends, I promised him he'd be up before the headmaster on an exclusion unless he grassed in his friends there and then, right in front of them. I couldn't have pulled that threat off, but he is a stupid child and didn't realise this. He swore, panicked then gave me a name. His friends all bombarded him with their snowballs, leaving them with nothing more to get me with. I had the upper hand now so started winding them up and they all began losing their temper. It was only a matter of time before reinforcements arrived and I wanted them all at fever pitch by this point so I could bag every single one for a detention. Eventually, our security guard waded in and backed me up with some identities. I managed to get two for an afterschool detention.

Snow detention count: 2

My first lesson went off without a hitch. My room overlooks the killing field, so I took up a vigil at the window whilst I waited for my next grubby class to show up. I noted one of my nice year 8 students crossing to the other building and out of nowhere, one year 11, who I have frequent run ins with, dashed out from behind a tree and pelted her in the face with a snowball. I had my stack of detention slips with me and filled one out instantly for him. Then his friends appeared and went on the rampage. They were possessed - the snow had turned them into savages - more so than normal. They were aiming at nothing and everything, their tongues were flailing around and their eyeballs had rolled into the back of their heads. One missile came over towards the first floor window I was looking out of and hit it right next to my face. The culprit looked up and saw me. I just grinned and held up the distinctive red detention slip. Instead of backing down, he began thrusting at me, so I filled one out for him and referred him to his head of year.

Snow detention count: 4

At lunch time, I took up my watch again. A load of my nice year 10 students began having a snowball fight. They noticed me and pelted the window. I laughed at their carefree exuberance and did a Liam Gallagher style pose, inviting them to try again as I knew I was safe behind the window. Most people say the key to being a successful teacher is consistency. Then, I noted a tiny year 7 bombing through the playground getting anyone in his way. He hit a year 10 girl square in the face. I laughed a bit, but wasn't seen doing so. Next thing I knew, she keeled over before coming inside crying. When I went to check up on the scene, it turned out that the little toad had hid a rock in his snowball.

Snow detention count: 5

That was to be my final one of the day. As far as I'm aware, I had the most, but will have to double check tomorrow. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. My form group kept calling me Ruprecht every time they saw me because my english teaching nemesis has said I only said my first name is Tom because I'm embarrassed about the truth. Recently, I had to take a series of lessons on friendship and I invented a fake falling out scenario between me and another thoeretical teacher at school because I called him a slaphead and said he had a stupid posh voice. This was one part of his revenge for that and it was surprisingly effective. Part two was that whenever I was nearby, he coughed into his hand and shouted faggot. He's good, I'll give him that, but I always manage to come out on top.

In the final lesson of the day, there was a year 9 riot next door. I went in to sort it out three times, but the supply teacher was a cretin. When I went in for the final time, he threatened to have me in front of his union because somebody had chucked a plastic bottle at him. I had disrupted my lesson several times to help him and did not appreciate him being a twat. I left him to be eaten alive.

By the time I went home, most of the snow had melted. I am now praying it starts again for tomorrow and am currently making plans as to how I can make the best of my day off.