What I did today

Last night, our flat was being monitored by huge microphones checking the indoor noise level. The landlord has been told it may not be soundproof enough to legally rent out, so it was being tested to see if it needs quadruple glazing to protect against the drunks and clubs around where we live. Because of this, we were given money to go and get a hotel room for the night.

We stayed in the Royal Moathouse. My bed was comfortable and we were given complimentary bottles of water. Staying here was handy because the previous evening we went to a pub that was just opposite the hotel. It was full of punks and women who wanted to fight us because they were too fat to walk through the room without bashing into people. Al was there and he was quite drunk. Our band has been getting some good airtime on radio 1 and have been picked as ones to watch for 2006 by some well respected people, including Davey MacManus from the Crimea who is a hero of ours. We have also had contact from a few record labels so Al now thinks we are famous and we can all pack in our jobs.

In the morning, I had a bath and cleaned my teeth. I then went on a scavenge around the hotel room looking for more complimentary stuff. It was mostly well hidden or bolted down, but I did manage to fill a sac hygiene with some dodgy custard creams, hob nobs, a sachet of hot chocolate, some tea bags, a shower cap, some soap and some body lotion. I knew I didn't really want any of these things, but my grandad fought in the war and has seen hardship. Passing up on free stuff would have shown great disrespect. Plus, I always view this sort of task as a challenge - how much of the hotel bill can be recuperated in souvenirs. Sac hygiene apparently translates to sanitary bag and was the only thing I could find to carry everything home in. It was complimentary.

At breakfast we had the continental buffet for starters. I ate corn flakes. I opened a pack of demerrera sugar to put on them, then realised my mistake. I put it to one side and then got some white sugar instead. There was a fruit option available but none of it was floating in syrup or fried so i did not bother with this. A full english breakfast followed with hash browns, mushrooms, sausages, bacon, eggs, baked beans, black pudding and toast. This was all floating in syrup and fried so I ate everything except for the egg yolk and the black pudding. I am not put off by the fact someone once told me black pudding is made from human bone and blood, but by the fact it tastes horrible. Egg yolk repulses me in every way possible. I loaded all the little pots of jam and cheese bars into the sac hygiene before checking out and walking a couple of hundred yards back to the flat at around 11.30. I drew the line at taking sugar, but did consider it.

At home, I tidied the front room. Joe has set the stereo up in there so we can now play vinyl, so I listened to a record by a local band called Big Gay Following while i was clearing up. We had a track called 'Bastard motherfucker' on repeat because it's ace. The lyrics are "bastard motherfucker" over and over. Its almost as good as their live favourite "You're a Cunt." Here, the lyrics go "I'm a cunt, he's a cunt, you're a fucking cunt" over and over. We drove past the singer in the middle of town a while back and Rowan thought it would be a good idea to wind down the window and shout some of his lyrics at him. I dont think this was appreciated by all the passers by. After a short while in the flat, we went to meet Will and Al for a band practice.

This was relatively productive, probably because Rowan was not there. We stayed for about two hours, then got a lift halfway home with Will. Because Al is now famous he ordered Will to take him for fast food so we went too. I had small chips and battered sausage. It was very nice and because all I've eaten this whole week is about six apples and not much else, I did not feel too bad about it. When ordering, my heart said jumbo sausage but my head said regular. I went for regular and now I'm only having an asthma attack compared to a heart attack which tells me I made the right choice. It was a greasy sausage.

Al bought a sprite whilst ordering his food. He left the shop then came back in holding the bottle saying "what did I do with my drink? Where is it?". Because he's famous I think he was about to be horrid to the lady who served him, I don't understand where his confusion came from as it was obviously in his hand. The woman behind the counter just looked at him symapthetically and said "Ahhh, bless you." Joe and I laughed. We will wind him up about this for quite a while and when Rowan hears about it, Al's life will become pretty miserable.

That brings me to now. "Bastard Motherfucker" is on full blast and I have just started the kettle boiling and may have hot chocolate or a cup of tea with some generic hob knobs. I will probably spend the evening watching television because I'm too tired to do much else, having started back at school this week, though I may have a bath and use some seaweed soap. These initial evening plans involve several visits to my sac hygiene.